My Mother’s Day Wish for Moms!
Nothing breaks my heart more, than to hear a story about a child being hurt. Whether they were hurt in a car accident, abused by an adult, mistreated verbally or even shoved on the playground…my heart feels it all, and their pain is mine…in a huge way.
It is now the year 2016, and we are still having the same discussion about Bullying that we had 10 years ago. We are going to continue to have this discussion, simply because parents are choosing to not have the “proper” conversations with their children, in their homes.
Kids today are still not being taught empathy, compassion, patience, sensitivity and the simple difference between right and wrong. And because of this lack of teaching, other kids are being bullied, murdered and even forced into feeling that the only way out of their pain, is to commit suicide. How long are we going to stand by and watch the innocent suffer? What is it going to take to get YOU to stand up and voice your displeasure in the direction of those who are offending? Change can only come when we all take a stand… not just one of us, not just a race of us, not just a gender of us, and not just a class of us. It’s going to take ALL of us to make a difference. And since that’s all of us who bleed ‘red,’ YOU are included in that number. We must go back to being a village when it comes to raising our children, or we are destined to be tagged as a nation of monsters.
We matter all.
I know this is old, but I’d like you to take a peek at the BULLY CHAT. If you’re not moved to make a change after watching this, there’s something wrong…and you should stand in front of a mirror and take a long hard look at the person staring back at you.
Better parenting = better children. What’s your take on that?
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Don’t let the title fool you, this is pure hilarity to me! My adult daughter sent me this text message recently and she captioned it: #ThisIsSoYou.
Take a look…
I can’t stop laughing!
Who else would resemble this?
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OK, so the latest nonsense in this no-parenting Parenting, which is ringing loudly in my ears and almost causing me to go deaf, is the theory (and I quote) that “Kids who talk back, become more successful adults.” Well, this “nonsense” infuriates me so much, that lots of choice words come to mind each time I read that line, but, since this is a kid-friendly blog, I will keep them to myself.
It should come as no surprise to all who have read my parenting guide, “THE GOOD MOMMIES’ GUIDE TO RAISING (ALMOST) PERFECT DAUGHTERS…100 Tips On Raising Daughters Everyone Can’t Help But Love”
…that I don’t agree with this “nonsense” at all. (I will continue to refer to it as nonsense, by the way, as that’s exactly what it is).
“Kids talking back is a perennial complaint of parents,” states an article that I read on Yahoo recently. Well, that complaint is valid, and kudos to those parents who are upset about this and not embracing the “nonsense.”
This Yahoo article quotes the experts who say that, “This behavior is developmentally healthy for kids.” I would have to disagree and say that, as an expert, “This behavior in my home would be extremely unhealthy and could prove to be detrimental to a kid’s teeth.” (Yes, I said it!) I mean, kids do still lose their teeth by methods that aren’t traditionally used in dentist’ offices, right?
My very own teenager, who, when I shared this theory and article with her, looked at me and said: “Mommy, that’s just an excuse for certain parents to let their kids get away with talking back to them because they don’t want to take the time, or they don’t know how to properly discipline them.” (#ProudMommyOnBoardHere! As they say, “From the mouths of babes.”) Even she, as a child, understands this point, so, why can’t people twice and three times her age get it?
I have two of the most successful daughters in all the world. My teenager is on track to graduating Magna Cum Laude in her school; she’s a literal genius (smarter than a whip and sharper than many adults I know); she’s a phenomenal athlete, and she’s honest and uberly respectful. Never talked back a day in her life!
Then, there’s my adult daughter: on her way to getting her two masters degrees, busy as a bee in very constructive ventures, highly sought after by every employable agency in her field, doesn’t sleep around with every Tom, Dick and Harry (YES! An adult Lady who still has her virginity…go figure), and uberly, uberly respectful. Never talked back a day in her life! Never used a profane word in her life! Yet, out of all her adult counterparts who are her age or older, I can’t name one who is as successful as she is. I can’t name one who has a reputation like she does. I can’t put my finger on one who is as trusted and respected as she is.
And then, there are their parents, my husband and I…successful business owners, highly regarded in our community, and yet, neither one of us ever talked back to our parents…we dared not!
Are we still going with what these experts say? Has anyone heard of the entitled kid from Dallas, Texas with “Affluenza” Disease? (What a joke). You know, the one who killed four people while driving drunk and was then only given a slap on the wrist (probation)? The one who then spit in the face of the same justice system who gave him that slap on the wrist and fled the country to avoid charges after he violated that probation? The same one whose mom, when asked how she disciplined him when he acted up (talked back), said she took his toys and games away. Really? That’s ALL you did? Hmmm…no wonder. I would stake the life of everyone that I hold dear that he talked back! And probably was using those choice words I withheld above by the time he was 2 years old and could mouth them! I think we should start measuring success by more than just the size of our bank accounts.
So, I’m sure you all can see why I’m going to have to agree with my teenager, who says that this “nonsense” is just another excuse for certain parents to get away with raising their kids improperly, OR, not even raising them at all. The sad part about all of this “nonsense,” is that these same kids who are being allowed to talk back, in hopes that they will become more successful in their adult lives, are being set up to fall into a few (sometimes deadly) traps:
*What do you think is going to happen when they are in daycare or after-school care with people who have low tolerance for kids who talk back or disobey?
*What do you think is going to happen when they’re in classrooms at school with teachers who have zero tolerance for kids who talk back or disobey?
*Lastly, what do you think is going to happen when they are stopped by a law enforcement officer who has the power to strip them of every right they have, on the spot, just because you allowed them to “mouth off” to you?
We need to remember, that what we allow in our homes, is not necessarily going to go over well outside of our home. Then, we need to also keep in the forefront of our minds, that everyone isn’t in love with our kids the way we are. And lastly, never forget, that evil sometimes walks the earth day and night, in the form of daycare workers, teachers, and law enforcement officers. So, I would advise you to teach your kids to be respectful, manner-able, hardworking, and driven Go-getters. In my eyes, all signs that they are properly armed with the tools they’ll need to become successful adults.
My beautiful daughters have never been spanked, cussed at, berated or made to feel anything but the most staggering kind of love in all the world, yet, I am a firm believer in discipline, teaching kids right from wrong, and teaching respect, manners and accountability. I am, because it’s the way I was raised. I am, because I looked around this earth and saw what was being “bred” to walk and rule our land, and I refused to bring more of that “mess” into the world. I am, because I know that we can do better as a society and as Parents.
My friends laugh when I see kids in the store throwing fits and tantrums, talking back, or stories on television, such as this one about the Affluenza Disease, and I shake my head and say: “God gave me what he knew I wouldn’t strangle.” It’s funny, but I do believe it’s true.
So, these are the kinds of kids that I have:
Because the other kind…
…wouldn’t last one second in my home!
My latest quote:
“I’m not being judgmental, but you’re not parenting properly.” ~ NJ Original
Again, “YES, I SAID IT!”
…and I didn’t bite my tongue or stutter when I did!
“Teach and discipline your kids properly, before the world and law enforcement steps in to do it for you. Unfortunately, you might not like the lessons they have in store for your child!
~ Nonnie Jules
So, do tell, what is your take on this style of parenting? Are/Were your kids allowed to talk back? Do you think success is only measured by how much money is in someone’s bank account? C’mon, be honest. We don’t judge here.
My daughter recently visited her teacher’s home, where the Mother-in-law (MIL) and Father-in-law (FIL) also reside. Out of all the little girls there (teenagers), it seems the teacher’s in-laws were thrilled with my teenager. My daughter, when she got in the car, said, “Mom, I just loved my teacher’s MIL and FIL and they just loved me!” (Well, that didn’t surprise me; everyone who meets my daughters fall in love with them instantly). My child went on to tell me that as she sat, having a conversation with the MIL, the MIL said to her teacher, “Well, it’s clear that she’s a Southern girl and she’s being raised properly.” The Teacher asked her MIL how could she tell? The MIL said: “Did you hear her say ‘YES MA’AM’ and ‘NO, MA’AM?” Since there were approximately 10-12 girls there in the house, as well, I asked my daughter, “Well, what did the MIL have to say about the others?” She responded: “Nothing, Mom. I don’t think the other girls even stopped to speak to them.” To this, I say, “No wonder the woman was in love with my child.”
When my oldest was in high school, a school Janitor once said to me: “You know, she’s not like these other kids. She picks up after herself, throws her own trash away, doesn’t wait for us to do it for her, and she’s respectful. She takes time out to stop and chat with us (the Janitors), and she always ends her sentences with SIR and MA’AM.” (#ProudMommyOnBoardHere, can you tell?)
Now, to some, this may mean nothing at all, but to me, it means the world. Parents today don’t realize how important it is to teach their children to be respectful: respectful to their elders, respectful to their peers, and yes, even respectful at home with their parents, because if they are doing it at home, then it’s easy to do away from home.
A little 8 yr old was having a conversation with me the other day and I asked her a question. She responded “YEA.” The next question I asked was met with a “WHAT?” So, I said to her, “You know, Mrs. J. prefers ‘Yes, Ma’am’ instead of ‘Yea,’ and ‘Yes?’ instead of ‘What?’ when I ask a question.” She said, “Oh, I never say those things to my mom,” and so I gently reminded her that I was not her mom.
When I meet kids, young adults, or even adults well into their 30s (heck, they’re all kids to me), and they respond to me respectfully, especially with “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Ma’am,” I always say: “Tell your mom she did a great job with you!”; and I’m truly excited to be in that “child’s” presence. Truly! (I must mention that it could be a dad who raised this respectfully beautiful child, I’m just always drawn to say Mom…sorry, Great Dads!).
What are we teaching our kids? What does respect mean today? I’m from the old school where it meant everything, and my daughters are being, and in regards to my oldest, were raised in that same fashion and environment. I recently heard it said that the tips in my parenting guide, “THE GOOD MOMMIES’ GUIDE TO RAISING (ALMOST) PERFECT DAUGHTERS,”
may have worked a long time ago, but wouldn’t work today. Well, I beg to differ. I have an adult daughter and I’m still raising a teenager today, with those same rules/tips.
Here are 8 tips I’d like to share that will help those of you who are new to the OLD-SCHOOL way of parenting, to get the best out of your kids.:
I hope that I have left some things with you today that will greatly benefit you and your child and the world who will be exposed to them. I have a favorite quote of mine which I like to use regarding manners, it is…
“Manners have opened many doors. Lack thereof, ensures the deadbolt is secure.”
Now, you will never hear me boasting and bragging about “things.” The size of my house, the kinds of cars that are parked in my driveway, or if there are labels on my clothing and shoes, are of no importance to me at all. But, what you will hear me go on and on about, would be those things of substance in my life…my daughters. Parents who do tend to boast and brag on the material level, I always cut them off before they get too deep into it, and I say, “So, tell me, what are your kids doing?” Because, I’m that mom. If you want to impress me, go on and on and on about your kids!
I’m wrapping up now, but Id like to leave one more quote of mine, along the lines of what I just said above:
“I don’t have to convince you of my parenting skills. The behavior of my daughters speaks for me.”
Thank you so much for dropping in today, but please, tell us what your take is on R.E.S.P.E.C.T???? Remember, we’re all on the same journey, more or less, in this parenting arena, so let’s do what we can with what we have and let’s support one another along the way.
What do (or did) you teach your kids about Respect???
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OK, I am extremely upset over what happened Friday in McKinney, Texas. I knew nothing about this incident as I guess I’m much too busy to even watch the news these days. I’ve seen several versions of the video, each one making me sicker to my stomach than the last. This officer was out of line. His language towards these kids, totally out of line, and I’m with the other portion of the world, black, white, green and brown in color, that this was racially motivated! If you can’t see that and think otherwise, guess what we’re calling you? Since I have taught my daughters to not name-call, I’ll just say YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, IT BEGINS WITH AN “R”! “YES, I SAID IT!” And no, I didn’t stutter when I did!
I, as a mother of great kids, am so beyond floored at this blatant abuse of the rights of these children. I cannot believe his language towards them. I cannot believe how he physically abused this young girl, a mere child, in broad daylight, with nary a care that he would be punished. I see no white kids being abused, I see nothing but black kids under attack here, and it breaks my heart. You all should know by now, that if these were disrespectful, unruly kids, you know what side I’d be on, because I have zero tolerance for kids who behave in that manner. My last blog was entitled “DISCIPLINE YOUR KIDS OR LAW ENFORCEMENT WILL DO IT FOR YOU” but this was definitely NOT what I meant.
Again, I am too disheartened to go on and on about this right now. Maybe I will re-visit it later. But, in the meantime, if you haven’t seen this video, let your heartbreak begin.
Take a look…
My 1st book, THE GOOD MOMMIES’ GUIDE TO RAISING (ALMOST) PERFECT DAUGHTERS”, 100 Tips On Raising Daughters Everyone Can’t Help But Love, delivers on it’s title. The tips included in this book are tried and true. There are some who will argue that there is no such thing as a “perfect” person, so for those naysayers, let me make myself clear, I raised (almost) perfect daughters, that means, they’re as close to perfect in the eyes of many, as you can get. And the reason they were raised this way, is because I have zero tolerance for undisciplined children.
Recently, on a trip to WalMart, I could hear a kid screaming at the top of her lungs somewhere in the store. Literally, screaming. I then heard a little boy yelling at the top of his. Well, I tipped over to find out what was wrong and to ensure that these kids were not in any danger. (Yes, I’m that Mom). What I found was a little girl sitting in a basket (unharmed), just crying/screaming; a little boy standing and yelling at an older woman, who appeared to be his grandmother/caregiver. The woman walks over and says, “Let’s go, I’m not buying that for you.” This little boy, who looked to be between 7-8 years old, stood there defiantly, folded his arms and shot back at her, “I’m not going anywhere! You are buying me those chips!” My eyes literally popped out of my head and are still on the floor of that WalMart. That was a month ago, so please pardon any typos you might find here as I’m working without my usual eyes.
The woman notices me and others who had started to gather, customers and employees alike, to witness this sad display of parenting. When the boy didn’t budge, the woman says, “Well, I’m going to leave you right here.” She walks away, pushing the basket which held the still-screaming little girl.
All you could hear was chatter in WalMart, people lining the aisles whispering and pointing, and it was extremely obvious that this woman was totally embarrassed. She continued to shop as the little boy runs behind her, shouting what she was GOING to do for him.
I’m leading the pack that’s standing in the center aisle in disbelief, just waiting for the moment when this lady was going to put a stop to all that nonsense of screaming and embarrassment that they were causing her.
Then, out of nowhere, pushing her cart down an aisle, this older lady turns, stoops down and says to the little boy: “Why are you behaving like that? You need to go and find your mom and do what she says.” He folds his arms and stands in front of her, with that same defiant look he’d given to his guardian. The lady stands up, shrugs her shoulders and just walks away. The next scene that plays out, is another little older lady, who comes up to the little boy, grabs him by his arm (I’m smiling, cheering her on, by the way), and she is almost shouting in her little voice: “You are too old to behave this way! You know better! You stop that screaming at your mom and you do as she says.” Then, Mr. Police Officer walks by, shaking his head in disbelief at these two kids who are being allowed to create such chaos in a public market.
The little older lady continues her rant and you can clearly hear her saying out loud, “Maybe someone should get that police officer to talk to him and scare him a bit.” By this time, this little older lady is my champion.
So, the guardian returns when she sees little older lady talking to the boy, and says to him, “Get over here and let’s go!” (Finally, she’s commanding him and he’s not commanding her). It didn’t work, though, as he walked away and stood on yet another aisle pointing to the new object of his attention…screaming at the top of his lungs for her to get it for him.
As we (the members of the IN DISBELIEF CLUB OF WALMART that day), looked on, she walks over, grabs what he is pointing to and says, “Now, let’s go.” I was just outdone in that moment. Really? She’s giving in to the demands of a 7-8 year old child? My husband, who had been searching for me for a while around the store (but remember, I was following the Carnival crowd), sees this and says, “Honey, hold your tongue, please, please.” I’ve turned a few shades of red and he could feel the fury emanating from my body at the situation.
As the little girl is still screaming while being pushed in the cart, the little boy is running behind the guardian and smiling as he sticks out his tongue at all who is staring at him. (Although he was using his tongue to disrespect us, this is what I felt him doing…)
The lady heads directly to the register. Finally, a WalMart manager comes over and asks the lady to leave the store. Now, I don’t know if that manager broke any laws, but maybe she was trying to contain all the fury she felt building up in the customers who had witnessed this for far too long, and she was trying to get the woman to safety (out of my reach…because at that point, I wanted to personally whip her myself!)
The woman places the “thing” the little boy wanted on the counter, starts to push the basket with the screaming little girl out of the store as she is literally dragging him behind her, because he has sat down on the floor and refused to move.
Would you all like to know what I said to my husband? I said, “He, at that age, is prison-bound if they don’t put a stop to his behavior right now!” YES, I SAID IT! and I didn’t bite my tongue doing it. I firmly believe that no matter your race (because someone is going to throw race in this), if you don’t discipline your children and teach them properly, then the streets and law enforcement will do it for you. I had never witnessed such horror before in my life and I hope that I won’t have to witness anything like it ever again.
To all the parents who think that it’s cute that your little girl walks around disrespecting you at the age of 6, it’s not. To all of you who feel that you want your kids to be FREE in what they do and say, think again and grow a parenting backbone. My daughters are free to think on their own, and express themselves, but, always in a respectful manner and tone. You can’t beat respect on any level, I don’t care what anyone says. My daughters were always the ones who were used as examples in school for the other kids, and guess on what basis? The teachers always, always pointed out just how respectful and mannerable they were. My oldest is well into her twenties and you will still hear her saying on any given Sunday to her elders or any adult older than she: “Yes, Ma’am, No, Ma’am, Yes, Sir, Thank you, Excuse Me, Please,” etc. and any other respectful phrase that you can think of, both my daughters use them.
Tip #18 in my parenting guide is about discipline. I’m going to share that tip with you and then share with you the importance of it:
*DON’T BE AFRAID TO DISCIPLINE WHEN IT’S NEEDED. Again, in full disclosure I must say that I have never physically disciplined my daughters, BUT, that was only because I didn’t have to. I had 4 siblings and although the girls didn’t get spankings, only the boys did, I come from the school where whippings were just a part of life, and I also tend to think, we all turned out pretty well. I believe that some children only need to be admonished from time to time, but others…well, that’s when we need to invoke the teachings of the Bible. (Proverbs 22:15) says “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Does this let you know that I believe in spankings? I hope it does, because I most certainly do!
I know that people differ on this subject; some believe in physical discipline, others believe in only verbal, and some don’t believe in it at all…and that’s OK (as long as they keep those kids at their house). I personally believe that parents should be allowed to discipline their children in the way they see fit for their family. (That’s not to say that kids should be allowed to get away with murder). That being said, a child should NEVER be bruised, injured or cut by a physical correction.
Physical discipline should always be done in love and never as a vent to the parent’s frustration. It is also just one part of discipline and should ONLY be used when the child shows defiance to a clear limit, not in the heat of the moment. No matter how it’s done, don’t be afraid to do it. I must end this by re-iterating that discipline is something that you need to begin at an early age, and when I say early age, I mean DAY ONE! You cannot wait until your child is 13, 14, or even 16 years old, standing taller than you, and decide that they’re a little too mouthy for you. If you start disciplining from day one, I can assure you, “mouthing off” will never be a problem.
It’s no wonder that people still ask me, “How did you get them to turn out that way?” and I always respond, “It wasn’t that hard.” Before I became a mother, what I saw in the world around me, made me want to be a much better parent and made me want to raise a different breed of child. A better child. The kind the world would appreciate on so many levels. Examples for all the rest. If you want children who will cause you to shed only happy tears in your old age, decide early that you will raise them in the proper manner. The woman in WalMart that day, would never have had to deal with that humiliation, had she or whoever the parents of these children are, used some form of discipline. And again, discipline is not just physical. You teach your kids with your words, your actions and your consistency. These were my forms of discipline
“THE GOOD MOMMIES’ GUIDE…” has tips that are not just for girls. If you haven’t already, pick up a copy and share your thoughts with us. See the trailer:
I hope that someone who has lived thru this woman’s humiliation before, is helped by this post. If you’re a new parent, just starting out, there is still time to walk down the right road, if you feel you’re headed down a bad one in your parenting. I’d love to hear your thoughts, whatever they may be, on this topic. How do you feel about discipline? And honestly, how did your kids turn out? I don’t mean just in your eyes, how do you think they’re viewed in the eyes of the world? Will they/are they contributing and productive assets to today’s society and their community?
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